Today has been the most soul destroying day I’ve had in a long time. Literally, I was on the verge of tears all day at work. I consider myself hard as nails, I do. Only my family or loved ones can affect me that way. Yes, I do privately weep for the poor and the vulnerable, but not out in the open. Everything at work got on top of me today though. I do thrive under pressure and pulled it out of the bag yet again, but I was drained by the end. It didn’t help that it was day 3 of my period and I usually have pain from hell leading to vomiting during this time. In all honesty it wasn’t as bad as usual this time and even though I felt weak and shattered from my fight with it, I felt like I was winning against my period this time!
After my soul destroying day I slumped on the train and couldn’t wait to get home and curl up in bed. One problem with that, it’s Friday and I can’t resist playing badminton on a Friday.
I was mega late and demotivated. My body felt sapped of all energy as I’d been vomiting the day before and my body had hardly anything in it. I honestly did just want to sleep. My husband and in laws were leaving to go to Friday club just as I was getting into the house.
More than anything, I wanted to see my mum and dad. When I used to have bad days at school or work, I would pour my feelings out to them and afterwards, I would like I’d freed them from being trapped in my ribs. My dad would poke my face until my dimple came out, but I don’t live with my parents anymore, so I have to pick myself up when I fall.
I somehow got ready and drove over to Friday club. I was so rubbish though. I hardly moved and when I did, my legs felt hollow. My energy was sapped and I had no idea what I was running on. I let myself down so bad. I won a few games but, I don’t know how. I usually stick around after the session and help pack up, but I felt disheartened, so I slipped out early. Then, I sat in my car, rested my chin on the steering wheel and looked outside at the rain while hot, salty tears streamed down my face.
I somehow managed to drive myself home. A song about sugar not being sweet anymore came on my Spotify, felt about right! What am I playing at? I’m not that good at badminton and here I am plugging away. I felt royally stupid! I’m making such a fool of myself.
I parked my car and looked down at myself. I was wearing a t-shirt with a tiger on it. My dad always said to me when I was growing up that I wasn’t his daughter, I was his ‘shehr’ which means tiger. I then remembered that most of my friends and family consider me a ‘stubborn little shit’. Excuse my language! So, am I really going to give up on badminton now? I don’t think so.
I got out of my car with a purpose. I texted my friends back saying I will play with them this week. Obviously I need more practice! I’m not a quitter. It felt like that moment in a movie when the lead (obviously me hehe) has an epiphany. I won’t make excuses. Lack of energy or whatever! I will get faster, I’ll do sprint training, whatever it takes! I feel embarrassed to run in front of others, so I’ll do it on my own. This day will not take me down! Watch this space, I’ll be like the flash soon!